Watching: 'Searching for the Wrong Eyed Jesus', 'All Over Me'
Reading: 'Lord of the Flies' (need a book on codependency)
Drinking: watermelon juice
Temperature: 100 degrees
Listening: Sleater-Kinney 'The Hot Rock', the first 20 songs on my 'most recently played' playlist:

blonde redhead 'distilled'
beck 'novacane'
interpol 'hands away'
jeff buckley 'morning theft'
neutral milk hotel 'in the aeroplane over the sea'
radiohead 'pyramid song'
the cure 'how beautiful you are'
chris issak 'wicked game'
angelo badalamenti 'mulholland drive/love theme'
rem 'i don't sleep i dream'
death in june 'break the black ice'
george michael 'freedom 90'
concrete blonde 'darkening of the light'
aos 'history repeats itself'
faith and the muse 'patience worth'
bob marley 'sun is shining'
rem 'endgame'
radiohead 'there there'
billie holiday 'you go to my head'
billie holiday 'time on my hands'

while doing a box of N2O and randomly crying. but that was what i needed. on my last day of work.
ever have a moment where it seems that everything in your life leading up to now, all those stories have already been told and remade and reformed and reviewed and now doesn't matter so much anymore, so now there must be new stories to be made and told, like having amnesia and starting over?
i saw a cockroach yesterday twice. i saw a few walking ghosts. i didn't leave things unresolved any more that i had to. i still have work to do. i am making a list of all i remember from this year but i can't really post it on a blog. a list of teenage overdoses, drug deals, jail stays, prison terms, teachers getting jumped, students getting jumped, desert plants that almost killed, too-large bandages on wrists, too many little red cuts, too many prescription pills, brains fried too young, babies being born, heart attacks, rectal bleeding, daily smoking, knives and PCP and heroin and illegal photographs, anger and poetry, lost books, and the bottled-up scream that is cocaine cocaine cocaine.
and me, with my dying seven year codependent friendships and other friends scattered all over the country, the world. it's not a matter of drama. so little has to do with me. it's a matter of the risks of people, and learning to accept them. and learning what you can be responsible for and what you cannot. i've been living the life of the perpetual child. i will keep what i can with me. give away the rest. summer is good for burning things off. whatever i do this month will stick. be wise be wise be wise. i am an adult. i have love to keep safe.