Thursday night aimless driving cynical PMS rant

I’m tired of people I know who treat me badly, not badly for no reason but badly because of how I feel or how I am, and how they feel differently, and they feel guilty but don’t change what they do. Or maybe they just take advantage. Or I let them. They just keep doing the same thing over and over and do obvious things to try to make it up to me because they can’t do what I want, but that’s just humiliating and frustrating, and using me too. And maybe I’m too nice, or too cold, or too lonely to work these things out. I don’t see how I can be penalized for being too nice and too slutty and too uncaring and too innocent all at the same time. I mean, pick something and go with it. I can’t take responsibility for every single thing I do and everything everyone else does too. I can’t be a doormat and a pistol and be blamed for both. That’s just being human. That’s just being a woman. Why I’ve worked for years to get here just to find I’m the only one here? Don’t know. Maybe I misunderstand. Maybe it’s just luck or maybe I can’t make a good decision to save my life. I do end up in some sick situations. The ones that are the most unexpected. The ones that I think are good are usually the worst. Irony and insanity are the two natural states. Everything else is just faking it. The worst thing is, in a week, I’ll think this whole post is a lie I’ve told and I won’t understand what I’m talking about. The next time someone does something remotely nice for me and I can’t see through it.